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Sedona Spirit Journey: Reality

BY Heather Zollman
May 24, 2021

What the Hell Were We Thinking?

We very quickly realized that we did not know what we signed up for.

The pilot announced that we would be landing in 30 minutes.  I opened the window.  Earth looked like a different planet from up there!  Mars maybe?  It’s amazing how one tiny piece of the galaxy can look so different in one ball, our world!  The crater looking rock formations went for miles and miles!  It seemed as vast as the ocean in different element form. Much different from the grassy fields and flat land in Minnesota.  My heart started beating faster…we were so close!  I teared up as the plane touched down.  I made this happen!  I set out to heal, follow my vision and here we are!  We landed, got our luggage and our tiny rental car…so much tinier than the mini-van we were used to that can hold our family of 5.

The trek to our sleeper cabin home for the week in Camp Verde, AZ was 2 hours from the airport.  We settled in for the ride.  And that’s when shit started to get real.

Bryan started fidgeting and clearing his throat.  Uh oh.  I knew those noises and movements.  Anxiety.

Let me give a little background here.  Bryan and I have been married for 20 years.  We were friends, dated for a year and a half in college, and then married.  I did not know him before anxiety became a part of his life.  Something triggered it at 19 years old when he lost his father to a heart attack.  He has fears of flying and heights.  Like serious fears.  Any anxiety has is amplified by A LOT when he is in the car, especially on the highway.  In Bryan’s words…”My first panic attack was in a vehicle and it’s been a struggle ever since.  Not all of the time, but the fear is more about having anxiety than it is about crashing into a mountain.  Anxiety about having anxiety breeds more anxiety.”

So let me set the visual here…We just flew in a plane, which he has to take shots of alcohol to get on.  We then land and get into a tiny car, in the heat and cruise on the highway, the whole 2 hours.  We are surrounded by mountains.  We then have to drive through the mountains to get to our destination.  If I set that decently for you, you get the picture that all of his fears came together in that moment.

As we drove, I was talking about the beauty with tears in my eyes.

He had to turn around so that there was no chance of seeing the mounds of earth reaching to the sky around and then under us.  He couldn’t breathe.  We had to stop a few times so he could get out.  I quickly realized that I couldn’t say anything out loud about the scenery or it would make things worse for him.  That didn’t feel fair.  I love taking pictures and wanted to so badly!  I realized at that moment that I would be the only driver on this trip.  I’ve been the driver for years.  Not great for a girl with chronic back stuff, but if we wanted to go anywhere outside of our town, I had to be the pilot.  All road trips.  Did I mention the car was TINY?  The energy inside of it was heavy and stifling.  There was no way to escape the mix of fear, frustration, sadness and guilt circling in the air.

In that moment, with no children, businesses and responsibilities to fill the space, just me and him, I realized…it is amazing how 2 people can create a life together, live under the same roof and live life so differently inside of their heads.

What the hell did we just do?